B and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I’m in a huge ass writing block right now. The stress of which has finally become physically taxing, and I’m writing the intro to this crying in a bathroom stall minutes before I have to go to a class I’m almost sure I’m failing (though, as a calming reminder for myself: for which I’ve made Plans). not actually failing at all, and just got super fucking stressed out over.

So here’s me trying to list some of the things I have piled up in my head that seem (at least in some capacity or another) to be in the way between where I am now and where I need to be to be focused even enough to write the 3 assignments I have due this week.

Good fucking fuck.

Disclaimer: I’m doing this as a free writing exercise, so some or all of this will make little to no sense. Beyond that, as always, I should hope that I get a general disclaimer of “my opinions may change” oop

1:

2:

Today is Valentine’s day.

To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.

Last night I spent about 2 hours (and here I’m misusing the term) hyperfocused on this article about a crux of Lacanian and feminist pedagogy.

Personal fave moment:

Feminist pedagogy invites teachers and students to conceptualize relationships to knowledge and learning as contradictory, conflicted and emotional. If we understand classrooms as crowded spaces, then we can begin to understand learning as involving intense personal attachments and relationships to the world. (165)

Now the above article is (obviously) an early foray for me into pedagogical thought [1]. For a long time I outright avoided conceptualizations of myself as a teacher or student because ??? it perhaps seemed too far outside my realm of consciousness? As a high school dropout, and the first member of my immediate family to attend university the labels never seemed to fit. As a third-year undergrad I’m now far more comfortable with the terms, but conceiving of where I fit within those paradigms both within the bounds of my university and beyond still occasionally seems perplexing.

Now add to this that I’ve started feeling out grad school (and beyond, holy fuck) options and… honestly I can maybe see where my writer’s block/stress/anxiety/inability to concentrate is getting compounded.

To shift gears a bit: as someone who really doesn’t need to try all that hard to “feel” the practice of relationship anarchy I cannot believe that I didn’t figure this out/look this shit up earlier. Though I’m not a teacher in a professional sense, I do believe that we’re all teachers to the people around us. And finally I think I’ve got a thread of how to reconcile my love for others with my role/s as teacher, student, facilitator, friend, reader, orator, etc. I have long felt ashamed for my love of others because in a very real way I feel very tightly the rigid constraints of when, how, to whom, etc love is acceptable: We are meant to care for our friends (but not at the expense of love), love our family (but not too much), love our (monogamous) significant other (with all our being), and aschew gazing too deeply into any/other relationship bonds we may have with others.

Fuuuuuuuuuck that.

3:

Social Constructionism and Interpellation // Intellectualism // “Eventing” // ?????????

4:

I’m a smart and capable person. This is frankly shocking. I don’t know what it will take to fully conceptualize this within my frame of being, or really if I ever will. Anecdotally I feel as though people often describe the experience of inadequacy in the light of or possibility of success as a “disconnect” of experience, but for me there is absolutely no disconnect happening here: I am both a bumbling fool and a pretty dang great student/explainer-y person (as shown here) congruently.

5:

I’m so scared of being forced to eat my words.


[1] Though I did look into other articles on Lacanian pedagogy, and without discounting anyone’s experiences outright I have Concerns.

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