Gross midnight comments

[cw for weight gain/loss, disordered eating, disordered shitting, and talk of medications]

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor. And I’m not gonna name the medication I’m on. If you have concerns about your health or medications please speak to your healthcare provider.


There are very few medications I can take for my migraines.

In fact the first medication which ever worked for me when I was 12 is still the medication which I’m routinely brought on and off of between other treatment attempts because it’s one of the few that doesn’t succeed in making my migraines worse. The only reason I try other medications at all, actually, is because the side effects of this one are terribad. Amongst some of the ones which I experience/notice most regularly:

  • Increased anxiety/nervousness
  • ~General slowing of mental faculties~ (idk what this really all entails, but it’s how my neurologist describes me complaining about not being able to concentrate so)
  • Tinnitus (ringing! all the time!)

But a couple of my more transient experiences (as in: they occur only with dosage changes) with this medication are:

  • Some of the worst diarrhea imaginable (imo?)
  • Loss of appetite

With any medication there’s a weighing of pros and cons: do the pros of this course of treatment outweigh the cons of any potential side effects? And for me the pros of not risking daily migraine symptoms absolutely outweigh all of the above cons.

But it’s the last two points above there that always get me on this medication.

Now let me just say that I’m Fat. I’ve pretty much always been Fat. And that’s Cool. I’ve got kind of a proto-cub thing going on right now that I’m kinda into [1]. Being Fat is Not A Problem.

This past Summer my GP and I noticed that my treatment plan for my endometriosis symptoms wasn’t as effective as I needed it to be, and because of the types of medications we would be “playing” with in that regard it was decided (with my neurologist!) that I would stay off of my migraine medication until such time as I had a stable treatment plan in place to manage my endometriosis symptoms again. So in a period of only a few months I gained about 30lbs.

Now I don’t front a lot of comments on this blog. I’m pretty level-headed about how small of a reach this blog has, and how it’s more a passion project [2], but when I get shitty, spammy comments like:

i-will-scream
Cropped badly because It’s Bad

I Want To Scream.

In the (roundabout) last month my endo treatment plan has become relatively stabilized again, and I’ve had to reintroduce my migraine medication back into rotation. Between that reintroduction and the fact that I’m a stress under eater (and I Am Under Stress) I’ve lost almost 15lbs. Even though a (roundabout) month isn’t that long a time:

I can’t really remember the last time I felt hungry.

I can’t remember the last time I shat like a regular human fucking being.

I can remember the last time someone complimented me for “finally starting to lose the weight.”

why_we_do_what_we_do_1200x627

This is infuriating.

And as someone who rarely even gets angry at things I cannot believe how legitimately infuriated I am by everyone who thinks that they have the right to comment on the bodies of others. Let alone make fucking spam bots from hell to annoy me in my time of already relative frustration [3].

I don’t know what my point was in writing this. I’m trying to disabuse myself of the notion that there really needs to be a concise thesis/reasoning process/conclusion for everything, but it’s tough.

I guess I can end with this: I’m good. I’m fine. In a few weeks I know that my appetite will return, I’ll stop shitting like there’s no tomorrow, and my weight will plateau. People will (likely) stop making overt comments about my weight. When I see spam-ass comments that want me to avoid my “ninntendo wii” I won’t immediately want to scream [4].

But it’s not like that for everyone, and my heart goes out to those people.

I so wish the world were kind.

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[1] Tbh I’m just not all that masc so it’s hard for me to really commit to the label but that’s its own bag o’ bears.

[2] Passion is fucking great! Doing things just because they make you feel great/excited/frustrated/scared is great! This is a celebratory comment!

[3] Wording this very personally only because ??? it sounds very strange not to. But honestly I can’t imagine spam bots being more than a mild annoyance for people most of the time so my current frustrations/anger are pretty personal.

[4] This one might be a lie.

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